Fear had been a very old friend from a very early time in my life. We’d spent our day and night together; in fact, at times, fear had been my one and only friend. From brother to my mother, from a lover I discovered all that fear was, all it meant. From my father, never really; no he’d never really made me feel that feeling, that rush; well, not until way much further in the future. From exams to party nights; from being separate, standing alone…
But from roller coasters, movie scenes, from darkness of the night time, I had never really been; scared is what I mean. Even monsters, even vampires; even trolls that lived in caves; as a child I learnt to like them; for I never was a child. You ask of magic and of witches? You mention wizards, warlocks, beasts? Well not ever, really…as I said that, they were living in my dreams.
But that didn’t make me fearless; as a child, neither today. That only made me different; oh how different have I been! I remember as a child; I was quiet and indifferent. And it never really mattered, nothing really ever surged me, or excited, even thrilled. Only one thing; all that mattered was that simple joy of life. I was desperate, never knowing, what it was that made me happy. Some sorrow, very distinct, was something that I followed. Bitterness, my sweet….chocolate, my friend…
So I felt it, something forceful; something lingered ever more. Something magic, felt inside me; some kind of light that broke the fright; something rare I’d ever known; Some kind of light from far above, from down below…so I said none and I kept calm and I breathed; oh yes I lived.
After years I had recovered from the covers of indifference; this was a fight, no time for fright; no grueling monster ever scared me. I made me fearless; so very fierce, as if fear had never been! I walked in darkness as well as loneliness; as well as pain, as well as rain; I started flying in the thunder, I started jumping off the cliffs; I had no wings, it felt so strange; but I could fly, yes I would fly and it would always feel so natural, it would always be so easy. I would always land back down; Even drives, yes even rides; even madness, even shout.
I dreamed to live; I lived to dream; dream and dare to dream again. Even nightmares were my bliss; even shadows were my light. Be it mirrors, be it rivers, be it lakes or ponds of gold; I would never fear to look; or to live, or to be. I would ever dare to do, that thing which I was told. Some kind of god, some forceful power, something free and freeing too.
But then one night, I stopped dreaming; I stopped breathing; all went dark. Something happened; someone took it? Something broke me? Left me numb? Cause I stopped dreaming! I stopped breathing! I stopped living altogether! No, I did breathe and I did walk; I was supposed to be alive; but I wasn’t! I just knew it; something very very wrong. I wouldn’t fly cause I was scared of falling down; for some reason, only one thing on my mind: I had no wings, how could I fly? On edge of cliffs, I would look down, fearing death; feeling dead, not knowing why. This is very much unlike me, I just knew it; something bad had made me mad.
Have you ever been in one place for so long? Have you even felt like tomorrow never comes? Have you filled your days with doubt? Of tomorrow and of love? of the promise of the rain? Just cloudy skies, but ever dry? Have you felt it right inside you? One big lie, one hefty lie? That you can’t seem to let go of, that you can’t seem to give up? Have you felt that mass of silence, buried way down in your soul? Something hurtful, very painful, something maddening and cruel? Have you felt it something sad? Something very very sad?
I seek no more of love! I no longer wish for eyes, that would look me in the eye; and tell me more of lies! I would never wait for you, or for me or even for us, I won’t ever wait for something that Is out there but it’s not! I shall live my life today; cause tomorrow never came; my tomorrow never came! My tomorrow, was more sorrow, was just sorrow every day. So I’m sorry for today, and I cry for yesterday; then I wipe away my tears and I make myself a promise.
That today, this very day; I shall shine and just be brave; I must stand on my two feet; I must stay where I feel; I must go where I should go; I must do what I should do; I must love if I feel love; I must pass if I feel loss; I should learn to find my way; and not get lost and have no loss. I should learn to be myself, my truest self, my realest self. For being something else has NEVER truly helped and it’s never made me grow and it’s killed much light inside.
Yes it’s time for me to shine….and leave my past behind; to let go of my fear, to let go of all fright and don’t give up all that light.
© Sina Saberi – 16 June 2012