‘On Certainty’

No one’s madness had taught me of insanity and yet every single mad man had managed to baffle me from time to time; this had become a follow-up to my ever-extending confusion which on its own had been the source of self-puzzlement from a very early time; a jigsaw whose very first piece got lost in the oblivion of that bigger consciousness a very long time back in time. I am not able to recall the details, or even the main structure; there are gaps on end as I look back…as I look back, I see fragments, as ever. Perhaps that’s only how this mind conceives…it perceives what it does and rarely does it come in one whole piece. The earliest, the least opaque recollection, is the one where a scarce combination of so-called temptation and plain simplicity of a mind so naïve spells action of the atypical kind. The child does not think; the child makes no decisions; the child merely does.

A labyrinth is shaped into existence; or perhaps it comes into view for the very first time and definitely not the last. The child grasps something; a new perception is born and that’s how it all begins; ever-woven threads of confusion, the child is forever lost…The child leaps into the oblivion which any given second represents; the child does not need to do so, yet the child does need to survive. One learns from the very beginning, or somewhere through the beginning, of bravery, of the inevitable power of the mind and the ability to recover and survive. That’s what one learns to manage from a very early time; either that or the inevitability of confusion, once given vent.

No one’s decisiveness had taught me of certainty and yet all tone of assurance had only made me lose more faith in the absolute; this had become an ever-assuring sensation, felt through every period of uncertainty and being lost; confusion had always been inevitable, omnipresent. And so one had to take actions and live on and survive. One managed to make room for more doubt rushing through as the days went by…one learnt through the process to be gone by the moments, the actions, through ever-fading discipline and cross-purpose…one had to feel the pain and to taste those tastes so filthy, bitter and filled with despise…

The child does learnt to grow, to mature into a less vulnerable being; so that the tides of time and life might be less of a threat at any given moment of time; this other element of inevitability which would forever linger where it always has…the child has now learnt much of decision making and so-called ‘grown-up’ issues; the child truly tries to make the effort and be anything but a child. The child self-destructs, self-loathes in the hope that pain would clear away the confusion and replace it with light, with hope and all that clarifies…

Which labyrinth to walk through; which set of confusions to choose from; that’s how perplexed one becomes when no longer a child; after all, there must be a price to pay for everything in life; regardless of who you are; what you’ve been through…

My own weakness has taught me much of resourcefulness and trust. My moments of oblivion and loss have filled me with confusion and left me at the core of a void where no life remains. I have seen the worse and the worst and then much worse…I’ve seen enough of confusion to identify and spot it very easily…it’s there, it’s always there; just like the sky, the sun, the trees, the cosmos; just like the joy which lies in every single moment. Do we always feel that joy? Can we always feel the confusion? Don’t we need to be confused? Don’t we need the sun?

The child has yet to learn all about being a child…The grown-up about the child…




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