Does Size Matter?

Probably it does. Well, the truth is: In that very bitter moment where the many voices of your own head make you deaf; when all you want to do is scream, shout and cry, when you are absolutely mad at everything and everyone, you should open your eyes for a split second and realize something:

There is NO ONE there to comfort you. There is not a single soul whom you could rely on; and that’s just the way it is. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE has a ‘number-one priority’ at all times; that ‘number-one priority’ is what they’ll always be looking after, caring for. Now this ‘number-one priority’-if I haven’t been clear enough-does NOT involve you AT ALL.

People want to be happy; they want to experience joy. The thing is, the very nice, sympathetic and kind people are those who wouldn’t actually mind it if you had somehow managed to be happy as well. But the second their priority (number-one that is) is endangered in any way by anyone, they would become-all of a sudden-a VERY non-reliable, non-friendly people.

Our sympathy is only words, our kindness pre-designed gestures and expressions of non-existent emotions. We might as well just stop talking altogether, cause actions always have and always will speak MUCH louder than words; they always give us away, our actions. You don’t care for me; you do not care about anything that I might be. You only want me to fulfill your ‘number-one priority’, whatever the hell that would be at any given point.

Now, when I look at the city at night time, also feeling a little blue, I realize how truly small I am…we ALL are that way: so small, so minuscule and trivial compared with this humongous cosmos which could enwrap us and crush our non-significant existence within fractures of a moment…I look at things, as non-important and ugly as buildings: tons and layers of cement on end…they are perhaps a hundred times my size and that’s how small I am.

A ‘kill-joy’ would go right about now: “yeah, but we have ambitions, we are the creators of those massive buildings…WE make them!” Well, yes. Whatever! Compare your tiny self with the ocean, the seas, the jungles, the deserts…look beyond the horizon…THAT’S how small we truly are, our ambitions big or small.

Yes, I am THAT small and yet…I would do ANYTHING for my super important ‘number-one priority’; I’d go through hell and much more so that my happiness isn’t endangered, right? These teeny tiny moments-as small as my self-are all that have ever mattered and amounted to anything. These minute particles of golden powder have given my small existence enough meaning to feel big, if even the tiniest bit. How can I ever be small again?

This cosmos though, feels unbearably huge. And yet, so many times, so many moments of the day I feel like this universe cannot contain me…or perhaps it’s my soul which cannot contain one thing or another…either way, there are moments that my pain-big or small-becomes my ‘one-and-only priority’…That’s when I have to die and be born once more…just like It has ever been.

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