To “God”

God, it’s been a while since we last spoke; well, since I last spoke with you anyways. In fact, it’s been a while since I last recognized your existence and had faith in you. Where have you been? Have you been around? It’s just, I feel like, for a while, you just haven’t been anywhere to be found; speaking of which, have you ever been there? Are you there? Were you ever?! Cause personally, I spent a lifetime thinking of you, believing in you and your power, I spoke to you with words of my heart hours on end and shared with you the concerns of my fragile soul, knowing that somehow you were listening, you were there! But were you ever?

Many hours I would sit and cry, for I thought you were there to hear my woes and that you were there to eventually wipe away my tears of plenty with fingers as invisible as yourself, dear almighty. My tears would eventually dry up and leave only marks on the surface of my soul permanently. My cries would eventually fade into a silence, forever silenced inside my chest were they would forever more remain. And my woes, well, they would only echo back where I was and once more be heard by no one but myself; so tell me, were you ever there?

When I needed a father, you would be there, as a mother and the sister that I never ever had, the lack of which I forever felt, as that brother who was caring, who would never ever hurt me; as an uncle or a cousin or the lover, oh of plenty! You would be there, and I didn’t really need a person or another or anyone in fact; you would be there as my everything and everyone and I would never feel any sensation of being lonely; but then one day I opened my eyes and realized a fact of opacity: that I never had a sister, or that brother, or that father or that cousin or that uncle, not a lover! even not that sweet mother who could be there, it had been me all along, that had filled me up with love; so just tell me, dear almighty, were you ever really there? Up there were I would look all night and count on your existence?

Tonight though we’re not talking, I’m the one who’s just speaking. To myself or to my self or to a self much greater than mine; I don’t know if you hear me, and I don’t know if you’re near me; I have doubts-oh more than ever-if you’ve ever been up there, or out there or in here or anywhere! What I do know is I need to say these words, so that if you’re really there, so that if you do have ears and you could hear me, you could listen, you would open up to me as well and look at me from distance and hear me out from distance and get near, and be near and feel love and feel alive. I am here today my god, so please be there if you’re not!

 

 

 

12 thoughts on “To “God”

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