I feel like there’s so much to get off my chest; and then for some reason—absolutely unknown to me, I simply can’t seem to do so. Therefore I can’t possibly put into words the emotions currently at heart and am somewhat flabbergasted with this possession which has possessed me and my heart. If I were a true artist of some kind, perhaps then I would be able to express all the intensity and bring it all out so that I myself could look at it—in the form of a painting or something and be once and for all apart from it. I would only then be able to see what lied on the inside out there under the bright light of day.
For some reason—also unknown to me, I am patient and in control of this ruffling restlessness that has been in the air for quite some time now; I am aware of its existence, of its presence; but then it’s only one of the million puzzling notions of confusion in the twisted, curvy path of life and there’s more to it than the eye meets no doubt; so I wonder if I must look into it even more or just look ahead and follow the blindness of my sharp-sighted intuition.
I have missed dancing and to dance. It always was such delight to move to the flow of the music in the air which would play and play on end and never fade away. There was a time when it was much easier to act like a fool and when one would do the craziest impossible regardless of the circumstances whatever they were; The time when wearing a true smile was just as easy as shedding tears of joy and when the feelings of both were of the same matter and coming from the same place. Today though, it’s either tears or a forced smile; both of which still pretty authentic and yet they lack a certain something; something related to making effort…another thing of which I do not know much.
As I said, there’s a load on my chest and it feels like it has to be let go of; but for some reason—which I do not know of—I can’t seem to let go; As if I don’t want to, don’t need to or don’t have to. As if the load feels necessary, as if it’s there to be a part of me and add to me what I possibly might be lacking today. Perhaps what’s my load today could be an asset of mine tomorrow; who knows? The load feels like no load and is what has to stay. I suppose I’m going to take initiative and instead of letting go, stay with what’s here right now so that tomorrow I could say I’ve earned what I have today.