Today of all days I should be happy. No, I must be happy! All the plans are settled, good health and working hard. Busy as a bee and holding a smile for the most part. I must be happy, I must smile!
The new projects have begun and I have plenty on my plate and it just doesn’t seem right what’s happening inside my head. As if a billion throbbing dots of thought are trying to fight their way outside of my vibrating skull. There is no pain whatsoever but there’s irritation. I’m as irritated as I’ve ever been and as I ever will be! It’s unbelievably irritating!
When I say a billion thoughts, I mean it. Something drains me of whatever joy or life. Something empties me and carves my being with pain of some kind; pain which I have never known of. I would only call it pain because it’s painful. It hurts in the most painful sense of the word and the sensation is just beyond me. I’d rather die.
It’s not a single desire, but the convergence of all the many desires, intersecting and colliding into nothingness and void. It’s the fulfillment of none that has ever mattered; and it’s the discovery of the many unfulfilled desires of the heart. And the showcase for the impossibility of all the possibilities the soul shall ever seek.
The neverland of the tens of thousands of all the dreams that have only flickered through the rays as the days have passed; this neverland has become the reality of the timeline I would once call life in all its glorious glory. This dreamy neverland has become my living hell of a lifetime which only seethes the burning fire of my soul.
And of love, I shall forever be deprived; of love, I can say none, for it’s been long forgotten along with the million other shimmering lights in my heart; the heart which would once beat alongside with the rhythm that would embrace me every moment. That heart, as well as that love, along with all else which was ever delicate are all gone to a better place perhaps, for I’m the one who has journeyed into the darkness now at hand.
Such a shame; such a shame indeed!
And yet, if life has taught me anything; I know that I don’t know enough to ever be certain. If all my fights have ever meant the slightest thing, it’s that life changes; and so do we. And if the many moments of bliss that I’ve lived have meant anything, I know for a fact that they always come back and leave you with none but a light of satisfaction and delight.
Like that smooth, powdery, soft and silky sensation against your tongue that fills your heart with this ambrosia of a taste and sensation so delicate; the one that melts right beneath your palate and fills your mouth with something joyous and sweet; the taste of honey dew and the feel of heaven breeze right there in your mouth. Giving you a single moment of joy and the after taste’s just divine.