When your presence-once and for all-in that peaceful moment of late morning is calm and at peace, while you’re alone despite being lonely, only then do you realize once more-or perhaps for the very first time-how serene you really are. And it gives you that lacked zest for life again. It comes once more to you, that amazing glow for growth. And it just lets you be with life other than any other thing; Other than any other wish or concern. You are once more, but all your wish and concern. You are in harmony with the harmony. You are simply being you. Can you keep doing that? Will you not even try? Would you just not listen and let go?
Setting: the streets
Characters: us (me and you)
We’re walking down the long street; first silently, then talking. At times you’re silent, at times I am. But we’re both doubtlessly talking of our concerns of life.
– Me: why do you think is it that I can’t experience happiness?
– You: oh come on! You have; so many times. You have so much to be thankful for.
– Me: yes, yes. I know. I am grateful. I am thankful. It’s just there’s also a considerable amount of unhappiness in my life and that, I’m not thankful for.
– You: well, I guess you could be right.
– Me: does it even matter if I am right? I mean, you just agreed with me, but what does it prove? That I’m right? So what? It doesn’t bring any clarity.
– You: what are you saying? Of course we have no clarity. But our life is what we make of it.
– Me: I beg to differ my friend. I think there’s a path for us all. We just get to pick the twists and turns. But in the end, we’re just on that very path, moving forward. Inevitable. Like death; awaiting us at the very end. So you see? Not so much of a choice really.
– You: well, when you put it that way… I guess you could be right.
– Me: you know, without you confirming, I’ll be just fine.
– You: so you want me to shut up and say nothing? I thought we were having a conversation.
– Me: perhaps you should shut it and say none if you have nothing worth saying. We all should do so at times.
– You: and live in silence? We might as well die.
– Me: yes, what’s wrong with that really? With absolute silence. Not saying anything when we have none to say? I, for one have or think that I have so much to say; too much. So many things. But the more it goes, the more I realize I can’t say what I want to. Either I can’t express the thoughts through words or possibly there’s not much being said.
– You: or perhaps people are not interested or don’t understand or don’t care?
– Me: no, that can’t be it. They had come all this way to listen. To hear me. I myself had invited them all.
– You: what?! Come where? Hear what? What the hell are you talking about?! God, you’re mad.
Setting: the conservatoire
Characters: us (me and them)
They’re sitting out there. I’m behind the curtains; taking out my violin, having absolutely no idea what I’m about to play. You see, I, in fact, don’t play the violin; I don’t know how. But they’re out there, awaiting this amazing talent show. I would love to express all I have inside through this music. It’s just I don’t know how to play the goddamn violin.
– Me: damn it! The show’s about to start. What the hell am I gonna play for them? I only know 5 notes with a broken melody which I haven’t even practiced for more than a year.
I, then peek through the curtain. They’re taking their seats. They’ve come all this way to hear me play. They think I have so much to offer. I hear them.
– They: this is gonna be good. He’s great. We’ve never heard him play but he’s amazing. He’s just perfect; that’s just how he is. The show should begin any second now.
– Me: what should I do? Would it be so awful if I just played the 5 broken notes? Will they be able to tell I suck at this? I want to give them something. Anything! I want to show them all the love I have inside. They’ve come to hear me play.
I, then take the bow. The curtains flow to the sides. They give me a standing ovation. Then they wait. I play. It sounds like 5 broken notes struggling for a melody; a tune of some kind. I and only I know that I have no idea what I’m playing. But they’re just listening; in silence. They’re watching me play. I, who seem so certain.
And then I die; of something so deep, so intense. And the stage is gone. The stage turns into nothingness. And the violin no longer is. The 5 broken notes fade away. And I no longer am.
Everything floats in the nothingness there is. The Lack takes over.
Curtains fall and fade also.
© Sina Saberi – 4 February 2010