I lost all that I had kept, all that I had had, along the way. I lost it all. And then there was none to hang on to. None to comfort you. None to rely on.
And I knew I still wanted to keep on to the past. I had to cling to it. but now it was gone; way past my fears and all the sorrow, it had vanished. And neither existed the present. Only hatred, disgust, pain.
A mixture of despondency and exuberance, all at once, taking much much space in the heart, the now, much weakened heart of mine, full of pity and pain.
Take a rose; a rose which is merely doomed to remain a bud, forever and more, knowing it won’t be nipped of its pain, for it’s destined to remain minuscule and dark inside. It shall never secrete that pleasant scent or show those lively anthers off. A rose whose true name will never be rose and will remain only one word: bud. That rose.
Wanting to lose more, having to let go more and more; to the extent of non-existence would be self-perpetuating and insane. This is while doing otherwise would be having done the least. That special, certain rush of something going somewhere, where it shouldn’t, is vague enough as it is, that contemplating on such opaque possibility is therefore pointless.
Trying to be timeless in a clockland of minutes, seems just as preposterous as madness itself; and yet we speak of timelessness and death, of a whole other level of space and energy. E apparently does equal MC2 and we know it well, but still a meticulous equation is not all this is about.
Parchments of tasteful ideology, quills gone to waste and words, simply wasted, are the left-over of this agonizing faux bliss, this exhilarating hangover of the mind, so exhausting and exhausted. So sick and brimming with bile.
Where is the hope for recovery among all the lies, all the false promises which basically eradicate humanity?
Where are all the heroes and gods and lovers? Where are all the good ones?
One doubts if they ever were… one does feel lonely and blames it on all : be it love or humanity, be it pain or bliss, be it you or me. One has no choice… one has to feel lonely every now and then… one is lonely at times after all.
You don’t understand them? Well, neither do they! I said I knew what you meant? Well, I don’t know the first thing about definitions! Are we even following one another? Most definitely not !!
So then, why can’t we stop? Why don’t we quit? I, for one, really do want to stop; for I simply cannot put up with all the pain anymore and even if I could, my feeble heart would not.
It shall burst and set me free
Or show me love and let me see
Either way, I’d leave it be
Just wait and see, just wait and you shall see
That I’ll be free, I will be free.