Under False Pretences



Once you think you’ve learnt how to deal with fear when it comes to you, You ought to stop thinking right then and there. Cause fear is a bitch and shows up when and where it’s least expected! And the damn thing is incognito! You’re sitting in all your glory and prime with your apparent know-how of life and matters of the mind when it suddenly hits you; You are weak!! oh! and also, You know nothing!!!

A part of you tells you: “well this is actually good cause it means there’s still room for improvement and growth and that this awareness is a good awareness. it’s all for the best!”

The other part of you also known as the “better judgment” says: “What a load of crap! you ARE weak and that’s all there is to it; Deal with it!”

Then you think to yourself: “Alright, well how SHOULD I deal with it exactly? what’s the right way?” guess what? Once again you’re lost! does “square one” ring a bell?!

The mask was LOVE/HURT this time and it hurt the most cause I thought I’d had it before; that I’d dealt with the whole stupid idea of entitlement and then having lost all! but this time, it was somehow different while resembling the old kind at the same time. The previous time it was like : “Well yea, you can have it and you might; but sorry, perhaps next time!” while this time around it went more like : “Yea I know how bad you want it and all; I’m aware of it, but you see, I’m not in for it cause it’s not my thing at all. so forget the whole thing!”

To think of all the effort I’d put into this!! what a waste! or was it? at least I learnt this lesson right? (ah! shush it you “worse judgment” !!)

I mean, living with a torture is no joke and if this torture also happens to be something you love and once used to think the feeling was mutual, then it’s REALLY an excruciating torture!! and that’s when life becomes hell. And yet, surprisingly, life isn’t hell! at least not for the most part, it isn’t!

Wanna know about this other lesson I recently learnt? (the hard way doubtlessly!)

Remember the whole “be daring and don’t keep things bottled up cause U might regret it later in life” saga?

well, turns out, sometimes, moments are not as magical as they seem to be and that sudden desire and feeling of taking a step and doing it is at times disguised by your thoughts and/or needs and making “a move” is what will bring all the regret eventually and not the idea of doing nothing! Yes, I did it and my situation turned out to be very similar to that of our buddies Adam & Eve if you get my draft!

Now I can only sit and bask in my less-than-perfect misery, reminiscing that ride with all its scary twists which brought me where I am today.

The music never let me down though. it was always on throughout the way and the good thing about it: I can still listen to the same music living in those moments with a teeny tiny difference: Now I also have the experience and know how the story works out in the end. So now I can enjoy the ride at least THINKING that I know what the outcome is…You heard me: THINKING!

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