Things couldn’t possibly be any better! The season is so adorable, so beautiful, so alive. Seems like god had stock up a lot of Green in his paint box and all of a sudden sat and decided to use it all up! It’s a good thing he himself was the one who created all the colors so that now he can rub it on with such pride! I’m so happy he’s such a goddamn perfectionist, this god.
And somehow, while everything’s so good in the present you have this tendency to go back and reminisce all which you can’t have now, all that you once had and now can’t have anymore! It’s again that feeling of knowing you can’t have it which drives you towards this urge! It’s once more, knowing that it no longer IS which makes you want it to BE so much.
At first I thought it was because I wasn’t appreciating the present that I got to think of the past, but when I reflected a little bit more, I realized I was only doing it because I suddenly realized how much I appreciated the experience and wanted to praise it in a way, so to speak.
It was on that melancholic autumn night, years ago, In that old, dusty-but-so-clean house that for the first time I experienced it. It was amongst my first in fact. The room, Dark; Candles in every corner, Color papers spread around the place; A very subtle smell of the fresh air and the delightful scent of drizzle mixed with dust, flowing into the room from the balcony’s door ajar. She and I…sitting. Me, being the 6 year-old that I was at the time and She, being the girl 8 years older than me. She, being a terribly emotional kind, would get all girlish and start talking of delicate subjects such as romance and nature and nostalgia; as if somehow she knew this kid, could understand so well, all that she had to say. I would sit and listen and somehow manage to keep the face of a 6 year-old; naïve and innocent; listening as if she were speaking gibberish. All this while This being inside of me, this “creature” if you may, was awake, was alert; taking every particle of the whole thing in; keeping it in the safest, most sacred place of my tiny little heart. The scent of the rain, all the dancing, flowing shadows on the wall due to the many colorful candles lit all over the room. How could I ever possibly forget such beauty? Such magical world?
My second encounter with this “creature” of mine was a few years later in that dingy shabby room under the stairs. Oh how vividly I remember every single detail of that minuscule room: The low, diagonal, dark ceiling; The too many black, chipped shelves which were always empty, the ice cold marble floor on which we’d sat, that mysterious, fantastic plastic cream-colored basket with the picture of a bunch of flowers on it; the one with about one hundred million keys inside, and of course US. Yes, she and I would sit in that room for hour after hour and put the key basket between us, putting all the keys out of the basket, playing with each, making up a story for each, and then put them back where they belonged. Of course this would take hours without us even noticing, for we were so caught up in the worlds we were creating as every second went on. Even at that time I would sit and pretend to play along; but the “creature” inside me was always alert, it had this thirst for always having more, feeling more, knowing more, sensing more and…I wouldn’t let it fly so freely for only I knew the consequences. After hours of playing with the keys, our hands would smell of sweat and metal, this intolerable raw metallic smell was the reason we’d go straight to the washing room and wash up. How terribly I long for that odor! For those sweaty tiny hands of us both; all the dust and emptiness; so sweet, so innocent!
The last I remember of the bittersweet, was upstairs, on that long, damp summer day. In the hall, with the TV on; the TV being only an object of distraction; as if we needed such things to be distracted. We’d been distracted our whole lives, living in our very own world, so separate from the outside, or maybe the inside depending on where you are and towards which direction you’re looking! On this fateful day, something was different. You could tell. I call it fateful because, as fate would have it, Our “creatures” would meet for the first time. And they did. I would say “I wish they never had.” But I WOULD say many things, none of which could and would change the reality a tiny bit!
For the first time I realized my creature is looking, and seeing in her what I never thought she even had: A creature of the same nature; wild, always alert, thirsty and full of eagerness. And that’s when two innocent children, two naïve little creatures did the impossible, the forbidden.
Don’t go too far! they only kissed; of course on the lips and of the very VERY wet kind; but let’s not overreact, it was only a kiss!
I liked that sweet, sour, girlish-with-a-twist-of-strawberry taste of hers which lingered and she, enjoyed all that romantic, musk, bitter moist. Saliva everywhere and no way to be separated; no reason I shall say!
It wasn’t us for a while but the two creatures who’d longed for a long time for this moment. Then it was the two kids whose curiosity had awaken a little earlier than necessary and finally it was the two of US. Simply us; she and I. and that’s when it got all weird and awkward I guess.
Since that day, our looks were never the same and we would never ever again sit in the room under the stairs and play. We would never again get lost in that world of ours, so magical and peculiar and lovely. We would never EVER again, be those pure, happy, joyful creatures, jumping around the yard, so wild! So cute, so innocent!
That’s the last time I saw my creature.
I can think of only two possibilities; One, that he suddenly stopped existing after that and Two, it and I became one and it is me right now and it longer IS. Quite freaky huh?
That’s why they say it’s bad. You think of all those pretty moments and then you see, they are of the many roads you’ve taken so far. Bitter and sweet and at times just funny!
Let’s sit and reminisce Now; so marvelous, so new, so exciting, So Alive.
© Sina Saberi – 13 August 2010