Death is scary. It is so frightening. so dark. I don’t like it. I’m not cut out for it. I hate it. Something tells me I’ll never die though. I’m so scared right now; not because I’m dying, but because I’m experiencing something just as terrifying as death itself. I don’t know what it is; it’s being lost, it’s feeling dizzy, it’s this headache; It’s trembling, it’s shaking, It’s feeling sick. it’s a terrible vertigo in which you don’t know where to go. it’s painful, unpleasant.
I’m not wise, leave me alone. I’m a know-nothing! I’m stupid, quite eccentric. I’m just a child, leave me alone; let me be free.
I can’t pretend. I can’t be what I’m supposed to; but only what I want to. I’m a good person but I have many problems; Millions, No! COUNTLESS actually.
Yes, I’m decent enough not to nag about it all the time; but does that mean you should play stupid too? I’m me; accept me the way I am. Not that I want you to; neither that I need you to, but do it! It’s nice; It’s common decency.
I can’t be and don’t want to be sorry that I know more than you do. It’s not that i’m SO smart or TOO special; I think it’s more the fact that YOU don’t want to think. In other words (I’m afraid) you are playing stupid and that’s the reason we can’t talk much; that’s why I need the distance; that’s why you got to learn to keep yours too. trust me you’ll adore me from afar. let’s keep it that way huh?
I think of matters of the universe…I cry over a cartoon cause I understand better. These things may not even matter that much to everyone but to me, they do. they’re my values. You’d go “that was nice” watching the same cartoon and then I’m like: how blind could you be?!
Maybe life’s true meaning is not known by me. maybe I’m the stupid one here (don’t I know it!) maybe you’re walking the right path, but the thing is I don’t care, okay? I’m not one to get all cocky about it but I sure as hell will erase you from my life. just as easy as that. in a jiffy. SNAP! not because I have the power, but only because I can and want to. Cause I wish to. You too should learn to do so. Maybe we’d inflict some small temporary pain here and there but overall; Things will eventually work out just fine.
I may not know it but I can feel it and my intuition has never EVER failed me before. it’s a goddamn reliable GPRS!
I have weaknesses; LOTS! and you know not one tenth of them but I wish you did. I’m a nothing, a nobody; a nobody who has learnt to elbow his way in UNINTENTIONALLY. I’m no better than you but I’m not equal either. At times I hate you; I hate hatred but it comes at those moments. How dare you limit me?! how dare you make decisions for me? How dare you affect me? How dare you do things without considering the consequences? be more considerate; NEVER caring, but considerate.
Because of you I have to hide my weaknesses, but guess what? I want to be free now so I’m not going to give a damn starting RIGHT NOW! I’m tired of all the deaf, blind people around me! I wish they were also dumb so that my ears could rest a bit. Now would be the perfect time for an epidemic blindness…
We have always lived on a speck waiting for a big elephant to hear us.
Don’t even get me started on that one, because my stomach churns and I have get an instant splitting headache.
© Sina Saberi – October 2010