Candor & Chicanery

My eyesight might be perfectly clear at the moment but my vision is absolutely blurred despite all the clearance I’ve tried to bring around lately.

Ignorance or denial or nothing like that is the reason this time, for I know I accept, Expect and welcome anything which comes my way these days; But there is something so alien and darkly tortuous; Something rather convoluted and sordidly wiggly and twisted about this unsightly sensation! I mean, It’s no oil-painting for sure; Therefore, Not so endearing to embrace.

It has even caused me to lose my spontaneity; I, Who always had a thing for doing things in an ad hoc way, Now do not want to change the slightest thing in my daily routine! Cannot and don’t want to anticipate the side effects and inconveniences.

Life turns into these different segments, Such as: “wanting things” “being down” “wanting sex” “feeling indifferent towards anything” “feeling fulfilled all of a sudden” and …

You become but a thousand different personalities; All so desperately and yet effortlessly trying to just “live” . You know that you should just let go and actually live each life, each personality, each character separately. You know that they are all YOU; All parts of the bigger YOU; But the fake YOU, the facade, the masquerade, doesn’t let you just live each and every one of them. It wants to stay the same. It’s such a coward you know. It hates change!

At dusk, You are all so shattered and drained, Both literally and metaphorically that you just go back and live the only YOU, you’ve learnt to know; The small, worthless, self-effacing, phony but at the moment so sweet and familiar YOU.

The YOU that apparently is a success and a big deal so why not leave it be?

Then all the hassles and snags look so petty and trivial at once and that’s when we realize that Life goes on NO MATTER WHAT!

I’ll get to know these YOUs sometime later; That is, If they leave me alone for now.

 

Late 2008

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