Neither Here Nor Here

Sometimes we’re simply enjoying it. Sometimes we know it’s not right. Sometimes we just go with the flow. And there are times, we don’t have the faintest idea but yet, Life with all its complications goes on and we “live” it.

At the very moment though, I’m experiencing something totally new…

As if I’ve entered this all-new space in which I’m a total stranger. I am there and yet I don’t belong to it. And the second I want to get used to it or at least get familiar with it, it vanishes right in front of my eyes and I am forced to go wherever it takes me. This goes on until I feel like I’m gonna explode and implode simultaneously!

And then all these feelings turn into this hideous, unbearable fear which I cannot tolerate. I don’t know whether the weakness comes from my physique or my mortal soul.

I have no sense of who I am…I lose all faith…I shake from within…I AM and I also am NOT…There’s no I…There’s no ME…Identity emerges itself as only a few visions, images and then even THIS doesn’t exist.

I try to get out of it but it looks like I’m but a captive in this realm of time and then even time itself loses meaning.

There are a few rays of light, tiny particles of hope; but afar…in the never-ending dark; They’re captives too; Being kept from me just as I am from them.

Is this ever gonna end? Is it a nightmare? Is it a dream? I can’t tell for there’s no mind…there are no thoughts…it’s all blank in the most fulfilling way…an ocean of emptiness…the whole universe in a bubble…even the air feels different.

The coward that I am, I can’t seem to enjoy this chance I’ve been granted; Can’t just for once in my life let go.

So I try to come back to the emptiness I’ve learnt to call life. I’m used to it you see and so the “space” lets go of me. I’m back, feeling experienced but even more dissatisfied than before. It’s like the numb, shallow feeling after a roller coaster ride. I’m down but I know what it feels like to be up there and now I don’t belong here too…Once more I’m lost…

“You’ll never go to heaven if you’re afraid of getting high.”

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